Married to a Chinamen

I just noticed that I have not updated my blog since I got engaged. And the blog post about our engagement didn’t get past the airline travels. How is married life? Short answer, busy! So I’ll just skip the last year and a half and fill in the gaps as I good. Oops.

SO being married to a Chinese man seems to immediately bring up two issues I feel I would have avoided if I married an American. Number one is the repeated question from everyone I see, “When are you going to have a baby?” I guess parents do this is the US too, but the China baby pressure is on a whole other level. Even the cleaning ladies at school are giving me pressure to hurry up and start making babies. Seriously, every time I tell someone I am married they say, “Oh, you have a baby?”  I have perfected my response in my best Chinese “wait a little! Too soon!  I have only been married 1 year!” In America that would be the end of the conversation, but a Chinese stranger will not be satisfied with this. “No, 1 year too long. When you marry it is best to have babies soon. You should have the baby now.”  Thank you taxi driver, fruit lady, students, and numerous others; your little pep talk now makes me instantly ready for parenthood.

And when I talk to Daniel the conversation also seems to have very little discussion.

Where will we give birth? – Anywhere is ok.

I don’t like Chinese hospitals. – No need, My mom is a midwife.

That’s not gonna happen! – Ok.

Babies are expensive! – I don’t think so, we have enough.

Can we afford for one of us to stay home with the babies?  – No problem, my parents will come.

This leads to China issue number two; the live-in in-laws. I didn’t realize that it was a given in China that when you get married the parents come and live with you. It is very common in China for girls to go live with their parents while they are pregnant while the husband works in the city. Or in other cases the parents live with the wife while the husband goes off somewhere to make some money and is away for months at a time. Almost as if the husband and his parents are interchangeable. I like my in-laws and all, but they aint no Daniel!

When Daniel met my Granny in the US he was shocked that she lived alone. In his mind my parents weren't doing their job to take care of her.  I tried to explain that my Granny was still healthy and very independent. She wouldn't be happy leaving her friends and hometown to live in a new city so far away with my parents.  He talked about duty and that after a certain age the children have to make the decision. Finally he said, “Americans just don’t love their parents like Chinese.” Before you explode in shock of such a harsh insult (like I no doubt did) let me try and explain his meaning. After awhile, I saw a bit of truth in his statement.  In my eyes, making all the decisions for your elderly parents would be cruel and degrading. In a Chinese mind this is how you take care of your loved ones. In Daniel’s eyes, letting your parents live alone is abandoning them, but American’s would view this as giving them independence. So we do love our parents in different ways.

I think one of the major reasons for this difference is the idea of retirement. In China, your retirement is your children. Parents put tons of money into their children’s education but it is almost like an investment. Because the better life your children have; the easier your retired life will be. Chinese culture encourages saving, and it is taught at a very young age. But it is all general savings. Nothing is set aside specifically for retirement. The government is just now started to push employers to offer retirement plans. Even so, many Chinese will not take advantage of the program. They believe it is better to use the money now toward their children.

Americans are not taught the strict value of saving, but people do save for specific purposes, like a house or college fund. And retirement plans are considered basic benefits. The government social security program has major problems, but it is at least a safety net. The idea that your children will be your retirement seems too unpredictable to me.

Our compromise is that I said I am happy to have this family visit anytime of course. But if they are going to stay long-term, we need to find them an apartment nearby. At the first few subtle hints that Daniel wanted to invite his parents to come live with us I quickly used their own culture against them and said, “You tell your parents if they want grand kids, they are going to have to give us some time alone.” Score! But now we are back to problem one, back fired!